Monthly Archives: February 2007

Sent by: Patrick Funk

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Sent by: Cameron Poulter

Enjoy these creative answers to sometimes difficult problems.

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Sent by: Lindsey Welker

Amanda was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly bedraggled and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked Amanda for a couple of dollars for dinner. Amanda took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars…and then asked, “If I give you this money, are you going to spend it on Diet Coke instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking that years ago”, the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” Amanda asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a hair stylist instead of food?” Amanda asked.

“Are you NUTS!?” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“That’s just fine,” said Amanda, “I’m not only going to give you the money, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.”

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m ragged, dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

Amanda replied, “That’s all right. It’s important for Andy to see what a woman looks like after she’s given up Diet Coke, shopping and hair appointments.”

Sent by: Cameron Poulter

Sent by: Lindsey Welker

The differences in dog’s and cat’s outlook

Excerpts from a Dog’s Daily Diary

8:00am    Oh, Boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
9:30am    Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!
9:40am    A walk in the park! Ate some crap..delicious!!
10:30am   Getting rubbed and petted! I’m in love!
12:00pm   Lunch! Yummy!
1:00pm    Playing in the yard! I just love it!
3:00pm    Staring adoringly at my masters.they’re the best! I’ll wag my tail in joy.
4:00pm    Hooray! The kids are home! I’m bouncing off the walls!
5:00pm    Milkbones! Great!
7:00pm    Get to play ball! This is too good to be true!
8:00pm    Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!
11:00pm   Sleeping at the bottom of my master’s bed! Life is sooooooogreat!

Excerpts from a Cat’s Daily Diary

Day 683 of My Captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I am fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of . However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. The audacity!!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of “allergies”. I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released-and he seems more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got be an informant-I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe-for now. But I can wait.

It is only a matter of time………….

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