Monthly Archives: February 2009

Submitted by: He who wishes to remain anonymous

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.  At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in  my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.’

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone  turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds,  biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were  screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’

‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,’ said Leroy.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’

No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something.. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’

Leroy said, ‘I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’

Submitted by: Liz Orth

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye…..

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought….

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you ! my son? ‘

He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….’

‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Submitted by: He who wishes to remain anonymous

A husband walks into Victoria ‘s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.  He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.  He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy),  ‘I have an idea.  It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.  I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at noon.  Closed Casket

Found by: The Rammy

This was posted on my friend Anne’s Facebook profile.

Found by: The Rammy

Found this at Crackberry.com.  Thought it was funny.  We are a family with both a blackberry (Jason) and an Iphone (Aundrea), so we see both sides of this.

Categories