Submitted by: Joyce Wylie

1. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
2. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of a pool and throw them fish.
3. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
4. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
5. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
6. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
9. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
10. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
11. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
12. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
13. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
14. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
15. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
16. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
17. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
18. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
19. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
20. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
21. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine