Submitted by: Aaron Warnick

This is written by Dave Barry and was originally  by the Miami Herald here.  All rights belong to them.

(This Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 22, 2008.)

OK. You turned 50. You know you’re supposed to get a colonoscopy. But you haven’t. Here are your reasons:

1. You’ve been busy.

2. You don’t have a history of cancer in your family.

3. You haven’t noticed any problems.

4. You don’t want a doctor to stick a tube 17,000 feet up your butt.

Let’s examine these reasons one at a time. No, wait, let’s not. Because you and I both know that the only real reason is No. 4. This is natural. The idea of having another human, even a medical human, becoming deeply involved in what is technically known as your ”behindular zone” gives you the creeping willies.

I know this because I am like you, except worse. I yield to nobody in the field of being a pathetic weenie medical coward. I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone. It’s much worse when I come into physical contact with the medical profession. More than one doctor’s office has a dent in the floor caused by my forehead striking it seconds after I got a shot.

In 1997, when I turned 50, everybody told me I should get a colonoscopy. I agreed that I definitely should, but not right away. By following this policy, I reached age 55 without having had a colonoscopy. Then I did something so pathetic and embarrassing that I am frankly ashamed to tell you about it.

What happened was, a giant 40-foot replica of a human colon came to Miami Beach. Really. It’s an educational exhibit called the Colossal Colon, and it was on a nationwide tour to promote awareness of colo-rectal cancer. The idea is, you crawl through the Colossal Colon, and you encounter various educational items in there, such as polyps, cancer and hemorrhoids the size of regulation volleyballs, and you go, ”Whoa, I better find out if I contain any of these things,” and you get a colonoscopy.

If you are as a professional humor writer, and there is a giant colon within a 200-mile radius, you are legally obligated to go see it. So I went to Miami Beach and crawled through the Colossal Colon. I wrote a column about it, making tasteless colon jokes. But I also urged everyone to get a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the Colossal Colon, signed a pledge stating that I would get one.

But I didn’t get one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I was practically a member of Congress.

Five more years passed. I turned 60, and I still hadn’t gotten a colonoscopy. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I got an e-mail from my brother Sam, who is 10 years younger than I am, but more mature. The email was addressed to me and my middle brother, Phil. It said:

“Dear Brothers,

I went in for a routine colonoscopy and got the dreaded diagnosis: cancer. We’re told it’s early and that there is a good prognosis that they can get it all out, so, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that. And of course they told me to tell my siblings to get screened. I imagine you both have.”

Um. Well.

First I called Sam. He was hopeful, but scared. We talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, “HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!”

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ”MoviPrep,” which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes — and here I am being kind — like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ”a loose watery bowel movement may result.” This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ”What if I spurt on Andy?” How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate.

”You want me to turn it up?” said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

”Ha ha,” I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking “Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . .”

. . . and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

But my point is this: In addition to being a pathetic medical weenie, I was a complete moron. For more than a decade I avoided getting a procedure that was, essentially, nothing. There was no pain and, except for the MoviPrep, no discomfort. I was risking my life for nothing.

If my brother Sam had been as stupid as I was — if, when he turned 50, he had ignored all the medical advice and avoided getting screened — he still would have had cancer. He just wouldn’t have known. And by the time he did know — by the time he felt symptoms — his situation would have been much, much more serious. But because he was a grown-up, the doctors caught the cancer early, and they operated and took it out. Sam is now recovering and eating what he describes as ”really, really boring food.” His prognosis is good, and everybody is optimistic, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that.

Which brings us to you, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Over-50-And-Hasn’t-Had-a-Colonoscopy. Here’s the deal: You either have colo-rectal cancer, or you don’t. If you do, a colonoscopy will enable doctors to find it and do something about it. And if you don’t have cancer, believe me, it’s very reassuring to know you don’t. There is no sane reason for you not to have it done.

I am so eager for you to do this that I am going to induce you with an Exclusive Limited Time Offer. If you, after reading this, get a colonoscopy, let me know by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to Dave Barry Colonoscopy Inducement, The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132. I will send you back a certificate, signed by me and suitable for framing if you don’t mind framing a cheesy certificate, stating that you are a grown-up who got a colonoscopy. Accompanying this certificate will be a square of limited-edition custom-printed toilet paper with an image of Miss Paris Hilton on it. You may frame this also, or use it in whatever other way you deem fit.

But even if you don’t want this inducement, please get a colonoscopy. If I can do it, you can do it. Don’t put it off. Just do it.

Be sure to stress that you want the non-Abba version.

Submitted by: Scott Cowan

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

 ”MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said, “Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.”

Submitted by: Scott Cowan

December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had!  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry – we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God, I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the white stuff last night. More shoveling!  Took all day. The snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more Inches of snow fell today, and it’s so cold, tt probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!

Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24

6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the asshole who drives that snow plow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his b***s and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25

Merry freaking Christmas! 20 more inches of the white slop tonight – snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!

Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

You have probably seen this one before but it is really a fun one. Remember when…..ahhhh the good ole’ days. If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious! (In my case, 28, I still think some of these are hilarious!)

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill….Barefoot… BOTH ways…yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that I’m over the ripe old age of forty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

1. I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2. There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3. Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4. There were no MP3′s or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5. Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6. We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!

7. There weren’t any freakin’ cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there’s TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8. And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent…. you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9. We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’… Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10. You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what’s the world coming to?!?!

11. There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12. And we didn’t have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13. And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!

And car seats – oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!

See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

I am a little young for some of these things but many do apply! Call waiting and call forwarding were introduced when I was young… wow what a concept and recording music from the radio… don’t even get me started on how many hours I wasted trying to get a few songs recorded without the DJ ruining it!

Submitted by: Andy Zaharias

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat … As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “” Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. ” I’m sorry,” she said, ” I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

Submitted by: Sean Conner

From a 1993 broadcast of the British TV series “Saturday Zoo’ hosted by Jonathan Ross.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Submitted by: Aaron Warnick

Guide to the Work Bathroom

Everything you’ve always wanted to know…but where afraid to ask!

Escapee
 A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun’s pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walk of Shame
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

Out of the Closet Pooper
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

Pooping Friends Network
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Safe Haven
A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burgler
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo-cough
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

Astaire
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Havana Omelette
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

Uncle Ted
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Fly-by
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave, and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Crack Whore
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include: pubes, urine stains and streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don’t forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

Submitted by: Paul Bateman

Rammynote:  This takes a minute or two to get into the story but the end is hilarious!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Submitted by: Joyce Wylie

1. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
2. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of a pool and throw them fish.
3. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
4. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
5. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
6. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
9. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
10. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
11. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
12. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
13. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
14. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
15. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
16. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
17. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
18. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
19. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
20. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
21. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

Submitted by: Courtney Thomas

Submitted by: Liz Orth

If the enemy is in range, so are you.’
– Infantry Journal -

‘It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.’
– US.Air Force Manual -

‘Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.’
– General MacArthur -

‘Tracers work both ways.’
– Army Ordnance Manual -

‘Five second fuses last about three seconds.’
– Infantry Journal -

‘Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.’
– Naval Ops Manual -

‘Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.’
– Unknown Infantry Recruit -

‘If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.’
– Infantry Journal -

‘Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.’
– Sign over SR71 Wing Ops -

‘You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.’
– Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot) -

‘The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.’
– Unknown Author -

‘If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.’
– Fixed Wing Pilot -

‘When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.’
– Multi-Engine Training Manual -

‘Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.’
– Unknown Author -

‘If you hear me yell;”Eject, Eject, Eject!”, the last two will be echos.’
If you stop to ask “Why?”, you’ll be talking to yourself, because by then you’ll be the pilot.’
– Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot -

‘What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, …. the pilot dies.’
– Sign over Control Tower Door -

‘Never trade luck for skill.’
– Author Unknown -

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:’Did you feel that?’ ‘What’s that noise?’ and’Oh S…!’
– Authors Unknown -

‘Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.’
– Basic Flight Training Manual -

‘Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it..’
– Emergency Checklist -

‘The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.’
– Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -

‘There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.’
– Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ -

‘You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.’
– Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,’What happened?’
The pilot’s reply: ‘I don’t know, I just got here myself!’

Submitted by: Cecil Rammelsberg

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me.. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says,”According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cold drink”, and then, he said with a deep sigh ………

“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

Submitted by: Scott Cowan

A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and  masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire. 

No further studies are expected on this subject.

Submitted by: Kelly Orr

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, “I think we have a code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.
4. Put some M&M’s on lay away.
5. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
8. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible.’
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
10. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
11. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
12. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!”
13. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud, “Hey we’re out of toilet paper in here!”

1. Bring a chair along.
2. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on; ask if they have an appointment.
3. Gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
4. Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”
5. When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”
6. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
7. Lean against the button panel.
8. When the elevator begins to movie, ask, “Did you feel that?”
9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “Is that your beeper?”
10. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
11. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
12. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
13. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
14. When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
15. Say “Ding” at each floor.
16. Open your briefcase of purse a crack and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?
17. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
18. Announce in a demonic voice, “I must find a more suitable host body.”
19. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM” and back away slowly.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Swat at flies that don’t exist.
22. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space.”
23. Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”
24. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
25. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
26. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
27. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
28. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
29. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
30. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
31. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
32. Tell people that you can see their aura.
33. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
34. Start a sing-along.
35. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
36. Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
37. One word: Flatulence!
38. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
39. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
40. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, and then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
41. As you leave the elevator, call out, “group hug!” and then enforce it.

Submitted by: Kelly Orr

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
3. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
4. Page yourself over the intercom (don’t disguise your voice).
5. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Hard.”
6. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers (Sparky or Sport, for example) and refer to them only by these names.
7. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to in your office as “Bob.”
8. After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent (as in, “The report is on your desk, Mon”).
9. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”
10. In a meeting, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, all of you just shut up!”
11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem.
13. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
14. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
15. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle and play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
16. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge and try to pass them off as your children.
17. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN”.
18. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
19. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
20. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
21. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products and then forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
22. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in Stall # 3.”
23. In your e-mails dont use any punctuation
24. In your’ e-mails; – use, too…much; punctuation!!!
25. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area and insist to others that you like it that way.
26. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, “You wanna trade?”
27. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God as my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
28. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
29. Determine how many cups of coffee are “too many.”
30. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks and once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
31. Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices in your head that do.”

Submitted by: Kelly Orr

1. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
2. “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
3. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
5. Specify that your drive-through order is ‘to go’.
6. Sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
8. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors’.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Sing along at the opera.
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
13. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
14. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!”, “I Won!” “3rd time this week!!!”
15. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
16. Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

Submitted by: Courtney Thomas

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls.  But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:
‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Submitted by: Eliza Livingston

5. “They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.”

4. “This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to.”

3. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here
just in time.”

2. “Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?”

AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR
DESK…

1. (Raise your head slowly and say), “…in Jesus’ name, Amen”

Submitted by: Courtney Thomas

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Idaho is planning to do its own titled ‘Survivor -Idaho Style.’

The contestants will start in Boise , travel over to Twin Falls and Idaho Falls.
Then, they will head northwest to Salmon then over to Lewiston.
From there they will proceed North to Moscow.
The final leg will be back to Boise!

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and a HUGE bumper sticker that reads: 
‘I’m gay.  I’m a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. Republicans suck. Obama is God. Deer hunting is murder,… and I’m here to confiscate your guns.’

The first one that makes it back to Boise alive wins.