Funny Stories / Jokes

Submitted by: Paul Bateman

Rammynote:  This takes a minute or two to get into the story but the end is hilarious!

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Submitted by: Joyce Wylie

  1. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  2. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of a pool and throw them fish.
  3. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
  4. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
  5. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
  6. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  8. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  9. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  10. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  11. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  12. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  13. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  14. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  15. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  16. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  17. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  18. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  19. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  20. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  21. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

Submitted by: Courtney Thomas

A stress relief technique we can all use.

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There!! See? It really does work. You’re smiling already.

Submitted by: Liz Orth

If the enemy is in range, so are you.’
– Infantry Journal –

‘It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.’
– US.Air Force Manual –

‘Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.’
– General MacArthur –

‘Tracers work both ways.’
– Army Ordnance Manual –

‘Five second fuses last about three seconds.’
– Infantry Journal –

‘Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.’
– Naval Ops Manual –

‘Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.’
– Unknown Infantry Recruit –

‘If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.’
– Infantry Journal –

‘Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.’
– Sign over SR71 Wing Ops –

‘You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.’
– Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot) –

‘The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.’
– Unknown Author –

‘If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.’
– Fixed Wing Pilot –

‘When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.’
– Multi-Engine Training Manual –

‘Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.’
– Unknown Author –

‘If you hear me yell;”Eject, Eject, Eject!”, the last two will be echos.’
If you stop to ask “Why?”, you’ll be talking to yourself, because by then you’ll be the pilot.’
– Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot –

‘What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, …. the pilot dies.’
– Sign over Control Tower Door –

‘Never trade luck for skill.’
– Author Unknown –

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:’Did you feel that?’ ‘What’s that noise?’ and’Oh S…!’
– Authors Unknown –

‘Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.’
– Basic Flight Training Manual –

‘Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it..’
– Emergency Checklist –

‘The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.’
– Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) –

‘There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.’
– Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ –

‘You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.’
– Lead-in Fighter Training Manual –

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,’What happened?’
The pilot’s reply: ‘I don’t know, I just got here myself!’

Submitted by: Cecil Rammelsberg

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me.. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says,”According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cold drink”, and then, he said with a deep sigh ………

“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”