Darvell Rowley

Submitted by: Darvell Rowley

It’s time for your ‘Annual “Am I Gay?” Self-Examination’ for men:

1. If you are over thirty five, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics and the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay – it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… “Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat, “Bun-bun, come to daddy, nookums!” Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pig’s feet, or a woman’s tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. A straight man will never be heard ordering a “Decaf Soy Latte”. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a “fressier” is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, scratch his balls, or play with his broad in the passenger seat.

Sent by: Darvell Rowley

What do you like to drink, Pop?, Coke? or Soda? Below is a survey of how people see this eternal conundrum. It is separated by county across the U.S.. See if it matches your part of the country. Click the image below for a full size version.
Feel free to voice your opinions in the comments section!

Pop? Coke? Soda?

Sent by: Darvell Rowley

To My Darling Understanding Husband:

Before you return from your business trip, I want you to know that I had a little accident while driving your precious pickup truck.

Fortunately, there is not too much damage, and I didn’t get hurt, so you don’t have to worry about that.

I was coming home from shopping at the mall, and as I was turning into our driveway, the cell phone rang. I answered it, and it was Sylvia. She told me she was still at the mall, and do you remember that cute little shoe store that I love? Well, she said they were having a “storewide” clearance sale! I got so excited when I heard that, that my foot slipped off the brake and I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator pedal! The garage door is slightly bent, and the pickup came to a halt when it bumped my car. Don’t worry, your motorcycle and you beer chest did not get damaged at all!

I am really sorry this happened, but I know that you are so worried that I could have been hurt in this silly little accident, that you will forgive me. You are so kind hearted, and you know how much I love and care for you.

I will be staying at my mothers for a few days, until the garage door is fixed, so you can reach me there. In fact, why don’t you stay at
that hotel and play golf with your buddies, until I get this little mess cleaned up—–I really don’t want you to have to worry about me, or the garage door—–the nice young man from the insurance company is helping me make it all better.

I will call you when it is all fixed up. I just can’t wait to hold you in my arms again!
To My Loving Husband

Your loving wife,