Joyce Wylie

Submitted by: Joyce Wylie

  1. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  2. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of a pool and throw them fish.
  3. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
  4. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
  5. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
  6. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  8. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  9. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  10. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  11. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  12. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  13. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  14. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  15. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  16. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  17. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  18. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  19. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  20. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  21. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

Submitted by: Joyce Wylie

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy .

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe , and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'”

Submitted by: Joyce Wylie

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. (For all y’all Northerners and City Folk, a “cottonmouth” is a water moccasin — one of the 4 poisonous snakes in North America , and generally the meanest, being more aggressive than rattlesnakes.)

Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake back with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.