Kelly Orr

Submitted by: Kelly Orr

  1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.
  2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
  3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, “I think we have a code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.
  4. Put some M&M’s on lay away.
  5. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
  6. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
  7. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
  8. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible.’
  9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
  10. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
  11. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
  12. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!”
  13. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud, “Hey we’re out of toilet paper in here!”
  1. Bring a chair along.
  2. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on; ask if they have an appointment.
  3. Gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
  4. Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”
  5. When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”
  6. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
  7. Lean against the button panel.
  8. When the elevator begins to movie, ask, “Did you feel that?”
  9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “Is that your beeper?”
  10. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
  11. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
  12. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  13. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
  14. When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
  15. Say “Ding” at each floor.
  16. Open your briefcase of purse a crack and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?
  17. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
  18. Announce in a demonic voice, “I must find a more suitable host body.”
  19. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM” and back away slowly.
  20. Meow occasionally.
  21. Swat at flies that don’t exist.
  22. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space.”
  23. Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”
  24. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
  25. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
  26. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
  27. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  28. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
  29. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
  30. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
  31. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
  32. Tell people that you can see their aura.
  33. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  34. Start a sing-along.
  35. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
  36. Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
  37. One word: Flatulence!
  38. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  39. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  40. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, and then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  41. As you leave the elevator, call out, “group hug!” and then enforce it.

Submitted by: Kelly Orr

  1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
  2. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
  3. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
  4. Page yourself over the intercom (don’t disguise your voice).
  5. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Hard.”
  6. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers (Sparky or Sport, for example) and refer to them only by these names.
  7. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to in your office as “Bob.”
  8. After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent (as in, “The report is on your desk, Mon”).
  9. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”
  10. In a meeting, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, all of you just shut up!”
  11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
  12. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem.
  13. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
  14. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  15. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle and play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  16. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge and try to pass them off as your children.
  17. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN”.
  18. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  19. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
  20. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
  21. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products and then forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
  22. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in Stall # 3.”
  23. In your e-mails dont use any punctuation
  24. In your’ e-mails; – use, too…much; punctuation!!!
  25. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area and insist to others that you like it that way.
  26. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, “You wanna trade?”
  27. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God as my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
  28. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
  29. Determine how many cups of coffee are “too many.”
  30. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks and once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
  31. Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices in your head that do.”

Submitted by: Kelly Orr

1. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
2. “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
3. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
5. Specify that your drive-through order is ‘to go’.
6. Sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
8. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors’.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Sing along at the opera.
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
13. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
14. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!”, “I Won!” “3rd time this week!!!”
15. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
16. Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

Submitted by: Kelly Orr

Each December, I vowed to make Christmas a calm and peaceful experience. I had cut back on nonessential obligations — extensive card writing, endless baking, decorating, and even overspending. Yet still, I found myself exhausted, unable to appreciate the precious family moments, and of course, the true meaning of Christmas.

My son, Nicholas, was in kindergarten that year. It was an exciting season for a six-year-old. For weeks, he’d been memorizing songs for his school’s “Winter Pageant.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’d be working the night of the production. Unwilling to miss his shining moment, I spoke with his teacher. She assured me there’d be a dress rehearsal the morning of the presentation. All parents unable to attend that evening were welcome to come then. Fortunately, Nicholas seemed happy with the compromise.

So, the morning of the dress rehearsal, I filed in ten minutes early, found a spot on the cafeteria floor and sat down. Around the room, I saw several other parents quietly scampering to their seats. As I waited, the students were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by their teacher, sat cross-legged on the floor. Then, each group, one by one, rose to perform their song.

Because the public school system had long stopped referring to the holiday as Christmas,” I didn’t expect anything other than fun, commercial entertainment – songs of reindeer, Santa Claus, snowflakes and good cheer. So, when my son’s class rose to sing, “Christmas Love,” I was slightly taken aback by its bold title.

Nicholas was aglow, as were all of his classmates, adorned in fuzzy mittens, red sweaters, and bright snowcaps upon their heads. Those in the front row-center stage — held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of the song.  As the class would sing “C is for Christmas,” a child would hold up the letter C. Then, “H is for Happy,” and on and on, until each child holding up his portion had presented the complete message, “Christmas Love.”

The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we noticed her; a small, quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter “M” upside down — totally unaware her letter “M” appeared as a “W.”

The audience of 1st through 6th graders snickered at this little one’s mistake. But she had no idea they were laughing at her, so she stood tall, proudly holding her “W..” Although many teachers tried to shush the children, the laughter continued until the last letter was raised, and we all saw it together. A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen. In that instant, we understood the reason we were there, why we celebrated the holiday in the first place, why even in the chaos, there was a purpose for our festivities.

For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and clear:

“C H R I S T W A S L O V E”

And, I believe, He still is. Amazed in His presence…Humbled by His love. May each of you have a Merry Christmas as you reflect on His Amazing Love for us…Have a blessed day!

When you are DOWN to nothing…. God is UP to something! Faith SEES the invisible, BELIEVES the incredible and RECEIVES the impossible!

“Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition”