Submitted by: Liz Orth

Submitted by: Liz Orth

If the enemy is in range, so are you.’
– Infantry Journal -

‘It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.’
– US.Air Force Manual -

‘Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.’
– General MacArthur -

‘Tracers work both ways.’
– Army Ordnance Manual -

‘Five second fuses last about three seconds.’
– Infantry Journal -

‘Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.’
– Naval Ops Manual -

‘Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.’
– Unknown Infantry Recruit -

‘If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.’
– Infantry Journal -

‘Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.’
– Sign over SR71 Wing Ops -

‘You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.’
– Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot) -

‘The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.’
– Unknown Author -

‘If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.’
– Fixed Wing Pilot -

‘When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.’
– Multi-Engine Training Manual -

‘Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.’
– Unknown Author -

‘If you hear me yell;”Eject, Eject, Eject!”, the last two will be echos.’
If you stop to ask “Why?”, you’ll be talking to yourself, because by then you’ll be the pilot.’
– Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot -

‘What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, …. the pilot dies.’
– Sign over Control Tower Door -

‘Never trade luck for skill.’
– Author Unknown -

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:’Did you feel that?’ ‘What’s that noise?’ and’Oh S…!’
– Authors Unknown -

‘Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.’
– Basic Flight Training Manual -

‘Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it..’
– Emergency Checklist -

‘The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.’
– Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -

‘There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.’
– Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ -

‘You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.’
– Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,’What happened?’
The pilot’s reply: ‘I don’t know, I just got here myself!’

Submitted by: Liz Orth
Rammynote: I did a google search and found the obituary on the Rome newspaper website as well as DignityMemorial.com

Submitted by: Liz Orth

Submitted by: Elizabeth Orth

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.  She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care.”

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.  The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what you bought.”

Submitted by: Elizabeth Orth

Submitted by: Liz Orth

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye…..

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought….

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you ! my son? ‘

He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….’

‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Submitted by: Liz Orth

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villager sand they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each!  However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!!!!

Submitted by: Elizabeth Orth

Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read “Vote Obama, I need the money.”

I laughed.

Once in the restaurant my server had on a “Obama 08″ tie.  Again I laughed as he had given away his political preference — just imagine the coincidence.

When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need–the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.

I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I’ve decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.

At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.

I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.

—————————————————-

Rammy comment: AMEN!  Now, feel free to comment on this post, open discussion is the key to our political processes.

Submitted by:Liz Orth

Submitted by Liz Orth

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag (I take exception to this one)

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

What do you call a smart blond?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls

What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blond say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying “Yo.”

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him “Sum Ting Wong”

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They’re hiring.

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe”.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides

AND….LAST BUT NOT LEAST

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…

Submitted by: Liz Orth

DR. PHIL’S ANSWER:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize
that he must first deal with the problem on “THIS” side of the
road before it goes after the problem on the “OTHER SIDE”
of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid
he’s acting by not taking on his “CURRENT” problems before
adding “NEW” problems.
____________________________________________________

OPRAH’S ANSWER:

Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which
is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having
the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part
of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
____________________________________________________

GEORGE W BUSH’S ANSWER:

We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just
want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The
chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
____________________________________________________

COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…
____________________________________________________

ANDERSON COOPER – CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not
yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
____________________________________________________

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
___________________________________________________

NANCY GRACE :

That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see
it in his eyes and the way he walks.
____________________________________________________

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
____________________________________________________

MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going.
I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the
price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
____________________________________________________

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
____________________________________________________

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.
____________________________________________________

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain
side.” That’s why they call it the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I
say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other
side.” That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as
simple as that.
____________________________________________________

GRANDPA:

In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
____________________________________________________

BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening
to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story
of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on
to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
____________________________________________________

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together,
in peace.
____________________________________________________

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
____________________________________________________

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your check book. Internet Explorer is a integral part of eChicken.
This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
____________________________________________________

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
beneath the chicken?
____________________________________________________

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?
____________________________________________________

AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!
____________________________________________________

COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?
____________________________________________________

DICK CHENEY:

Where’s my gun?
_____________________________________________

AL SHARPTON:

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.