Perspective

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Submitted by: Courtney Thomas

On a cruise ship trip, Ed fell head over heels for Dorothy. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic.  He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love.  Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.  While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.  So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut.  I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.  In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.  If that’s going to be a problem, for us, you’d better say so now!”

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem.  I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”

“I see,” Ed replied thoughtfully.  He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

Spaghetti

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Submitted by: Joyce Wylie

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy .

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe , and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.’”

Tech Support Request

(1 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)

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Submitted by: Courtney Thomas

Dear Tech Support, 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as 
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and TV 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. 
What can I do? 

Signed, 
______________________________________________________________________ 
Reply

Dear Madam, 

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. 

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.  If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. 
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) 

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.  You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Nitro Boat vs. Whiny Girlfriend

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Submitted by: Rob Barlow

Download Nitro Boat vs. Whiny Girlfriend

The Dark Side of Women

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Submitted by: Elizabeth Orth

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.  She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care.”

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.  The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what you bought.”