Giving Medication to a Pet

(1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)

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Submitted by: Deena Rammelsberg

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure  
to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. 
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. 
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. 
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. 
Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.
Get another pill. 
Open another beer. 
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. 
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. 
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. 
Drink beer.  
Fetch bottle of scotch. 
Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. 
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot.
Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.  
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. 
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. 
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.  Consume remainder of scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. 
Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. 
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15.  Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.

Older Women Are So Reasonable

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Submitted by: Deena Rammelsberg

After being married for 54 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,

“54 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.

Now I have a$ 1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but i’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

Age is a Matter of Perception…

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Submitted by: Deena Rammelsberg

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,

DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL             .

‘YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

‘WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1975, WHY DO YOU ASK?’ 

‘YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED…

‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

Next time he makes you mad….

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Submitted by: Deena Rammelsberg

Just glue his sandals to the floor.

Sign in a Store Window

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Submitted by: Deena Rammelsberg

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW:

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia .

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. But we pride ourselves on being a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor)