Girl Scouts

(1 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)

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Submitted by: Scott Cowan

Sumbich!

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Submitted by: Scott Cowan

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.  At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in  my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.’

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone  turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds,  biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were  screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’

‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,’ said Leroy.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’

No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something.. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’

Leroy said, ‘I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’

The Valentine Nightgown

(2 votes, average: 3.50 out of 5)

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Submitted by:  Scott Cowan

A husband walks into Victoria ’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.  He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.  He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy),  ‘I have an idea.  It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.  I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at noon.  Closed Casket

Mental Health Outsourcing

(1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)

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Submitted by: Scott Cowan

I agree there are some things you probably don’t want to outsource!

I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck…

Famous Perspectives on Wives/Marriage

(1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)

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Submitted by: Scott Cowan

Rammynote:  If you are a woman and are easily offended please DO NOT read this.  If you have no sense of humor, DO NOT read this post.  If you would like to submit a male oriented rebuttal, feel free to email it to me. Also, this is humor related and not necessarily factually accurate and has NOT been checked for accuracy.

Famous Men’s Perspective About Their Wives

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- David Bissonette

After marriage,! husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
- Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- Anonymous

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, ‘What does a woman want?  – Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Sigmund Freud

‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’
- Anonymous

‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’
- Sam Kinison

‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’
- James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
- Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once….
- Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years Then we met.
- Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
- Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
- Anonymous