1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, “I think we have a code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.
4. Put some M&M’s on lay away.
5. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
8. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible.’
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
10. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
11. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
12. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!”
13. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud, “Hey we’re out of toilet paper in here!”

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
3. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
4. Page yourself over the intercom (don’t disguise your voice).
5. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Hard.”
6. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers (Sparky or Sport, for example) and refer to them only by these names.
7. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to in your office as “Bob.”
8. After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent (as in, “The report is on your desk, Mon”).
9. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”
10. In a meeting, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, all of you just shut up!”
11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem.
13. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
14. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
15. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle and play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
16. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge and try to pass them off as your children.
17. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN”.
18. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
19. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
20. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
21. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products and then forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
22. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in Stall # 3.”
23. In your e-mails dont use any punctuation
24. In your’ e-mails; – use, too…much; punctuation!!!
25. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area and insist to others that you like it that way.
26. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, “You wanna trade?”
27. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God as my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
28. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
29. Determine how many cups of coffee are “too many.”
30. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks and once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
31. Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices in your head that do.”

1. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
2. “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
3. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
5. Specify that your drive-through order is ‘to go’.
6. Sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
8. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors’.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Sing along at the opera.
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
13. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
14. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!”, “I Won!” “3rd time this week!!!”
15. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
16. Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

Rammynote: These are some pretty funny pictures but the F word and a little bit of a sexual nature on a few may turn off a some people.  If that offends you, no worries, just please do not read this post!  Otherwise laugh your self silly like I did.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Download Urban or Rural

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls.  But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:
‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

5. “They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.”

4. “This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to.”

3. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here
just in time.”

2. “Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?”

AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR
DESK…

1. (Raise your head slowly and say), “…in Jesus’ name, Amen”

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Idaho is planning to do its own titled ‘Survivor -Idaho Style.’

The contestants will start in Boise , travel over to Twin Falls and Idaho Falls.
Then, they will head northwest to Salmon then over to Lewiston.
From there they will proceed North to Moscow.
The final leg will be back to Boise!

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and a HUGE bumper sticker that reads: 
‘I’m gay.  I’m a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. Republicans suck. Obama is God. Deer hunting is murder,… and I’m here to confiscate your guns.’

The first one that makes it back to Boise alive wins.

Cinderella

Snow White

Little Red Riding Hood

Sleeping Beauty

Jasmine (Aladdin)

Belle (Beauty and the Beast)

The Little Mermaid

This guy is doing the music and sound effects for Super Mario Brothers on his Violin while the game is being played on screen.  Very Cool!

Click here to view the embedded video.

On a cruise ship trip, Ed fell head over heels for Dorothy. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic.  He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love.  Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.  While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.  So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut.  I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.  In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.  If that’s going to be a problem, for us, you’d better say so now!”

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem.  I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”

“I see,” Ed replied thoughtfully.  He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy .

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe , and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.’”

Dear Tech Support, 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as 
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and TV 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. 
What can I do? 

Signed, 
______________________________________________________________________ 
Reply

Dear Madam, 

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. 

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.  If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. 
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) 

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.  You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged 5.99 for the first 10 words and 1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. (For all y’all Northerners and City Folk, a “cottonmouth” is a water moccasin — one of the 4 poisonous snakes in North America , and generally the meanest, being more aggressive than rattlesnakes.)

Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake back with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure  
to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. 
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. 
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. 
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. 
Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.
Get another pill. 
Open another beer. 
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. 
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. 
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. 
Drink beer.  
Fetch bottle of scotch. 
Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. 
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot.
Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.  
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. 
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. 
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.  Consume remainder of scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. 
Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. 
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15.  Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.

WHAT IS GENERATION “Y”?

Hmm, I’ve always wondered this myself… now I know.

- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.
- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.
- Generation X, people have been born between 1960 and 1979.
- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2009

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

I never did know, but recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below…
Learned something new today!